Grief - Acceptance
We never truly get over grief or "move on," but that's not our goal. We don't need to forget; we need to adapt the traumatic experience into our lives, to learn our new reality, embrace all of our emotions, and move forward.
You may know what it's like to accept a free taco or a Christmas bonus; those are easy. If you want it, you accept it with pleasure. But what about trauma or loss? It's hard to understand why we should accept pain or how it even applies to the greater good of our lives. I mean, if someone walked up to me on the sidewalk, slapped me in the face, and threw a spider at me, I wouldn't even know how to begin accepting that strange chain of events – and I'm the one writing this blog… The point is, we have to start with a baseline understanding of what acceptance is, so let's take a look at the definition.
Acceptance
noun: acceptance; plural noun: acceptances
the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
"charges involving the acceptance of bribes"
the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
"you must wait for acceptance into the club"
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.
"acceptance of the teaching of the Church"
willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation.
"a mood of resigned acceptance"
With the definition of acceptance tucked away in our brains, we instantly learn that accepting our trauma is not something we have to be excited about. We merely need to tolerate its appearance. Offering consent to the uncontrollable situation and agreeing that its existence will forever be a part of our history is pretty much the first and only step here. However, In my opinion, this is still the most challenging stage of grief. And it's only possible to achieve acceptance by fully allowing yourself to feel and process your way through each of the other four.
This fifth stage cannot be forced or coerced. It settles upon you like the dew of an early morning. Acceptance comes in the form of hope; it's gentle, kind, and quiet. It embraces you and lets you know everything will be okay. Don't get me wrong, you won't just magically wake and be okay with what happened to you – after all, the trauma still hurts – but you will begin to embrace it.
This is where you start to feel peace – sometimes. By now, your new reality has been clearly defined – and hopefully – you have emerged through the tunnel of pain and out the other side with a sense of enlightenment and fluidity. This is the time for adjustments and readjustments. You will have good days, bad days, and days filled with shame because you had good days. It is all a roller coaster, but at least you're still on the ride.
The stages of grief are never truly linear. They sporadically move about like a bottle rocket without its stick. They will continue to do so until each of them has been appropriately addressed. The graph below perfectly represents how people view grief versus how you actually experience grief.
Throughout this blog series, you have learned to embrace each stage, allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings, and stay aware of how your emotional energy is directed. You can also use this information to make the process more linear. Will it ever be a straight line? Probably not, but you can use this information to perform mental checkups and flatten the curve. In each stage, ask yourself these questions. Am I living in a preferred or factual reality? Is there anything else I need to be angry about? Am I still bargaining to regain control? Have I given myself enough time to be sad and cry? Can I learn to adapt this into my story and move forward?
We all know grief sucks, but one day, it too will pass.
This blog series was adapted from the Kübler-Ross Model of the five stages of grief. For more information, check out Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's book On Death and Dying here.